creative criticism

*tear

2008-12-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

i've been told that because my body is currently dealing with a large shift in hormones that i can just expect to cry randomly or over things that on a "normal" day would not provoke emotion. i'm not sure if i can attribute my most recent tears to this hormonal imbalance or not. it came on sunday, while singing in church. it began "the splendor of a king, clothed in majesty..."

let me back up. i knew that having a baby so close to the time we celebrated the birth of the Savior would provoke some thought. while several have been passing wonderings, sunday's episode made me really think about the idea of the incarnation. it's crazy to think that a King, in all his splendor, "clothed in majesty", came to the earth and took the form not only of a human, but as an infant. thanks to recent events, it struck me just how dependent baby Jesus was on those very people who he had come to save. the most powerful being became completely powerless. in his human form, he could not do a thing to help himself - he needed changing, fed, shelter. and i ask, why would God do that? why would he entrust himself to [us]?

as i talked some of this through with jj, my guess is that He was showing us what a different kind of god He really is.... we know that in the culture he stepped into, gods were a dime a dozen - there were different gods to fit your every need. rob bell has said in his "the gods aren't angry" that one of the biggest messages we can get from God is how He is different than the other gods (watch the dvd for great examples, specifically the sacrifice of Isaac). and so what a way to show it - that this God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, is not a god of "over there" or "up there" or seperate - even though he maintains those attributes in a sense of his holiness - but He's also a God of closeness. emmanuel. God with us.

i'm sure this isn't revolutionary to most people. we've grown up going to christmas eve services celebrating God's coming, emaa-aaa-aaan-u-el (*sing songy voice), but to us that's what God does. He comes as Jesus. But back then... God coming to earth... not as common. now, i'm sure there are some gods or goddesses in roman or greek mythology who do follow a similar pattern (most of the prophesies that Jesus fulfilled also have a greek / roman counterpart, or someone who supposedly did a similar deed - though none proclaim to fulfill them all. and i'm not sure whose existance was known first. we are waaaaaay outside my domain).

i just can't get over mary wiping jesus' butt. or jesus peeing on joseph because he was too slow to cover the wee wee. or mary crying because nursing just wasn't going as smoothly as she had hoped, and she thinks to herself, "will he always treat his mother this way?!" as he chomps and screams. i cannot get over the fact that God would choose to leave heaven - that place that so many of us celebrate as an ultimate destination - to come to earth, let alone as one who needs such constant care and attention. and then, after 33 years of it, also allows those people who he came to rescue to lead him to his death. why would he do that?

God as an infant. it's a crazy idea. but it worked.

and this is all that i can say right now...

2008-08-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

"here's what i want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace." - Jesus, Matthew 6:6

I was reading in my current book (The Year I Got Everything I Wanted: A Spiritual Crisis) about the author's year of struggle in the midst of supposedly amazing things happening - new job with great title, money, gorgeous girlfriend, new city. He speaks later in the book of a particular evening when he really struggled and gave into the temptation of pornography. He makes a profound self-realization in that he says that he doesn't normally struggle with porn except when he's avoiding something in his life - a big decision, a hard discussion, a change. Rather than deal with the inner turmoil, he escapes with some sort of self-gratification.

JJ and i had quite the interesting discussion about the concept - avoiding inner turmoil by seeking self-gratification. I think we all do it in some form. There are the types who seek out gratification in the physical form - drinking, drugs, porn, whathaveyou. Then there are the types who seek it out through inner self-gratification. Hate, self-righteousness, pride.

"Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time. As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to ready, tv to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering into a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves in full force. We often use these outer distractions to shield ourselves from teh interior noises. It is thus not surprising that we have a difficult time being alone. The confrontation with our inner conflicts can be too painful for us to endure." - Henri Nouwen, Making All Things New

"Solitude is one of the deepest disciplines of the spiritual life because it crucifies our need for importance and prominence. Everyone - including ourselves at first - will see our solitude as a waste of good time. We are removed from "where the action is." That, of course, is exactly what we need. In silence and solitude God slowly but surely frees us from our egomania." - Richard J. Foster

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought..." -Jesus, Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5:3-5, The Message.

the chicken or the egg

2008-08-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

or it's equivalent theological question: free will vs. God's predestination.

I have had similar conversations revolving about this topic a few times in the past couple weeks, which is curious because i feel like i rarely have opportunities to have these conversations anymore. but good ol' patty b. started kindling a thought when we were talking about God and babies (2 of our current favorite topics at the moment). when you deal with topics like, people who don't get to have the babies they wanted, or, people who get to have babies they didn't want, God is certainly to show up in conversation, usually as the veiled bad guy (for the one who didn't get what they want) in the phrase, "well, God knows what he's doing..." now really. who's going to argue with THAT statement? of course God knows what He's doing! but i'm not sure it's the appropriate response for the given situation.

so we were verbally processing through such statements and were talking about how when it comes to reproduction in general, somehow the auto-predestination switch gets turned on in people's thought patterns. Patty's a bright girl. She said, "you know, i really do think there are some free will options in the matter. there are ways for people to avoid getting pregnant."
mind you, this is all background material for my general thought.

that's when i told her of my opinion of the predestination vs. free will argument.

i am dramatically opposed to predestination, not because i believe it's theologically incorrect, but because i've seen people live out such beliefs sooooo badly. if you're going to comment about the sovereignty of God or some other great insight as to why we must believe that God predestines us, then please refrain (i'd like you to argue me on my other points, please). You're probably right. I'll just agree with you. bring out the "for those whom God predestined, he also called..." scripture.

the reason i come to butt heads with the predestination believers is not because of thought but because of practice. i have seen before that many a good meaning christian make decisions based on "God's will" that really had nothing to do with God, but more of the good christian's attempt to remove any responsibility from him or her because of the decision. God ordaining something, God making something happen is the mother of all trump cards. Call it the Right Bower (is that how bower is spelled in euchure?). no one wants to argue with what God wants, so a person really only needs to "feel peace" about a decision to decide that it's what God had planned all the time and thus the right decisions and thus, if things go wrong/badly, it's because God ordained that, too.

with this thought pattern, a person will never make bad decisions, they'll just have to live through whatever God decides to insert into their lives.

now, i'm all for a God that just tosses things into our lives. He's done it to me. it's crazy. i believe God does things that are inexplicable. i believe he brings us blessings and he takes us down roads that are a little bumpy. because all these things are included in this journey of life. and i really believe that you should seek God's wisdom when making decisions. you should feel a peace about decisions you make (not lack of fear, but peace). but we have to play the cards that are dealt to us. God does the dealing, that's for sure. but i just can't get there that he also plays the hand for us (can you tell that i should be at the lake? all these card playing analogies...).

so i'd like to be convinced. i'd like to see someone live this beautiful balance of keeping in step with God's will and direction while realizing that as God's child i have to learn to make decisions based upon the model set before me. but there may be times that matt, mark, luke or john didn't record exactly what my example did, so i need make the best decision I can and trust that God is going to help me with whatever this decision brings into my life. he won't "give me what i deserve" because of it, but maybe there's some reaping and sowing involved.

so that's my thought. it was broached again last night by lively conversation, which is why it's still on the brain this early AM.

2008-06-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

there are times that God provides for you and you didn't even know you needed to ask him to do it. but then it comes, and you think, "how did i really think i was going to do this on my own? thanks, God, for knowing more than me."

closing the door

2008-05-31T12:42:00.001-07:00

somehow it seems very appropriate that we move on graduation weekend. this, the weekend before, is when i shall pack. if i can find enough boxes. but i'm sitting here looking around at all the stuff that now must somehow find its way to a new home in findlay.
i hate packing not only because it involves lifting heavy things and being forced to purge others ("what if i need that later?"), but because it also means saying goodbye. i remember the feeling of packing up at 1605 in University Commons and hated the entire thing... not only because the girls next door had a party and my parents were arriving the next day to load a truck, but because i was saying good bye to some very very wonderful elements in my life. i knew life would never be the same.
and it's kinda that way now. to jj, this house was our first home, the "love shack". to me, this was my first step into adulthood, the home to so many memories of wonderful times. it started with scraping wallpaper with mary and taping box patterns in my bedroom with scott. then there was "fun with ang and chad" night- complete with Pit and Anna and colored guitar. sitting on the couch with kristy, coming up with some of the best and worst ideas for youth events ever. i wish i had a dollar for every glass of wine we drank on that couch. then there was the crotcheting. and when K hung her hideous Kuenzli Tacky Craft wreath over my clock and wouldn't take it down until may.
Then Clinton nearly broke a toe trying to get Kristy moved out. watching movies and making smores in our backyard. small groups coming over, taking up my entire street because of bad parking jobs. setting up stations so that kids could pray throughout my entire home. making christmas goodies with alyssa, rachel and jordan. kelsey or abbie coming over so we can run.
it's crazy that it was a year ago when i said goodbye to being a church staffer. and now that i'm also leaving the place that was home to so much of that, i can see how important that space in my life really was to me. i knew it was important when i left the job, but now that i'm leaving the town, the home to it... well, i just miss it, that's all.
i'm sure ryan can vouch for it, but really it's harder on this side. kids loose one youth director (and get another). retired youth directors loose 50 kids (and there's no such thing as replacements).
ok, i need to be done with the melodrama. time to wish another one of my wonderful memories a happy grown-up life at their graduation party. onward we go.

i don't really understand... but i guess it's okay.

2008-05-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

i saw brian beall at work the other day. we hadn't crossed paths in a while and i realized the time had lapsed since his wife was scheduled to have a baby. so i asked about her. little one is doing great, happy healthy... all that exciting stuff.
so that closes out the numbers. all the people that were due to have babies at approximately the same time as me (some of them within days), now are at home with babies. the little ones have been born and there are reasons to rejoice. new life is always a reason to rejoice.
it's just hard to believe where life has brought us in the time that we lost our baby. life has changed SOOOO significantly, and continues to do so. good things. don't get me wrong, the miscarriage was one of the hardest things i've lived... but i'm in amazement at where life has taken us since. jj swiching careers. moving. a second chance.
though part of me wants to be a little sad for myself when i see May Baby pictures, there's a part of me that just trusts. i have to. if God can change things, bring things that we need- before we even know we need them - then how much more can we trust him.
may 9 passed by pretty uneventfully... no one really noticed. but i guess i shouldn't lend any more significance to it than what it's due- that time has passed, life has changed and that each day, God brings us what we need. and he'll continue to do so every day.

the year of jubilee (what if, what if...)

2008-04-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

"In this Year of Jubilee everyone is to return to their own property. If you sell land to any of your own people or buy land from them, do not take advantage of each other. You are to buy from your own people on the basis of the number of years since the Jubilee...When the years are many, you are to increase the price and when the years are few, you are to decrease the price because what is really being sold to you is the number of crops." -Leviticus 25:13-16, bits and pieces.

I was reading this the other morning in my devotibible (how handy that the devotions are filled in...). The blurb that followed this section focused on freedom and knowing that freedom is coming, tying that in to the price paid by Christ. Good stuff, I assure you, I'm glad to be free "from the bondage of sin." Don't get me wrong. But somehow, and it could be that I'm just too much of a reader, I don't think that's necessarily what this passage was about. Let me re-phrase that- I don't think the original hearers of this wonderful, amazing message of Jubilee heard about freedom from sin. And I say that because of verse 23, [God speaking here:]
"The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers."

Call me crazy, and I probably am for many other reasons, i think God is serious about calling us to think about how we buy and sell. I think maybe, just maybe, God had some inkling that we humans would struggle with possessiveness and ownership and wanting more "stuff." He saw the moving Finding Nemo with the "mine mine mine" birds.
Can I remark how amazing God is to have the foresight to provide us a way out? I mean, he knows that over the traverse of time we'd get ourselves further into debt or seek after buying more and more stuff, land being the ultimate example. And instead of telling us what evil sinners we are, he just mandates a way out. He says, buy and sell as you might feel you need (read more of chapter 25 to get the details of selling the land or yourselves because of financial hardships), but remember that it's all on loan.

I wonder what life would be like if we realized that in another 50 years it all gets returned. That the house i live in is borrowed property, no matter whose name is on the mortgage. I wonder what it would be like for employers to realize that they're buying the crop, not the land- and that the fruits of my labor is all that's for sale, the land actually belongs to someone else. I wonder what it would be like if I realized that everything in my life- friends, family, education- is borrowed property and God, the owner of it all, is just blessing me by letting me enjoy.
The current status quo is like a friend loaning me their summer cottage for a vaca and then me trying to sell it off for profit. I can't! I don't even have true ownership.

I'm not sure how to begin making this a reality in my life, but if every 50 years God thinks its a good thing, then maybe it's something I should look into. Because can you imagine what the world would be like if we all realized that it's all just on loan?

certifiably crazy?

2008-04-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

i was on the way home from work when the radio started a riddle. apparently if you came up with the correct answer, you gave the same response as a psychopath. guess who came up with it right away? yup. that does one on the ego for you. here you go, give it a try:

A woman goes to her mother's funeral. There she meets the man of her dreams. She can tell from the first moment that they will spend the rest of their lives together. Unfortunately, she fails to get his name, phone number or any other contact info from him. So they go their separate ways. 3 days later she kills her sister.
Why did she kill her sister?

I'd love to hear if you get it right :)

i'm running out of movies

2008-03-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've spent most of the weekend camped out on my couch (except for a wonderful stint down to the Jeffersonville outlet malls, which was very successful in many facets). Because of this, i'm running out of movies to watch. Friday was Center Stage, last night was the Increadibles and this morning was the Emporer's new groove. But JJ joined me for Rudy this afternoon, which is the movie that prompted this post.
Why can I not get through the movie without crying at the end? I mean... it's football. I've never played football nor have i got the crap beat out of me as part of a "team" but this movie contains something that grips me. (*Sidenote: ever since hearing Donald Miller's talk on Story, i seem to analyze my movies in a different way. I suggest the same for yourself). I usually start crying right when the older guy who tends the stadium yells at Rudy for quitting with one practice left, then the tears intensify as all the 1st string players turn in their jerseys so that Rudy can play in "their spot". Buy the time Rudy's dad gets off the bus and the stadium is chanting his name it's all out emotionalism. And when he gets in and then even gets the sack??? Ah.
But I couldn't stop wondering- why does this matter to me? Because Rudy worked so hard and he "deserved it"? No, i'm pretty against the "you deserve this" theology. We work hard because that's what you're supposed to do, not because of the reward on the other end, which i believe is the root of our selfishness. So is it because i wanted Rudy to "prove himself"? I don't think so, although his older brother did drive me crazy with his complete lack of support. But I think he proved something just by leaving town, so it had nothing to do with stepping onto the field.
My best guess at what jerks my tears is the sense of love and support that Rudy finally felt. He fought for attention and affection for most of his time growing up. It's not that no one really believed in him, but just that no one really saw him. His dad looked right through him, Notre Dame ignored him for several consecutive semesters, and then the new coach barely knew his name. But with the last game, Rudy saw that change. Players appreciated him for who he was and stepped in for him. His parents came to the game and they were proud of him. The stadium janitor worked through some of his pain and bitterness through Rudy.
And all Rudy really did was pursue that which he loved to do the most. I don't want to make light of his hard work- getting the grades, living in a locker room, living out of a singular duffel bag, seeing his ex-girlfriend with his brother, getting the crap beat out of him every day... that's not the life i'm wishing on anyone. So Rudy worked really hard- but ultimately he was doing what he loved and needed to do. He was being the person he was created to be, and suddenly people were able to see that and support him.
So, to me it wasn't a love story of man and football, or small guy doing great things. for me, it was a wonderful story of what happens when people want each other to succeed. when people are supportive, loving and encouraging. it's less about the individual than it is about the community in which s/he lives.

nothing, really.

2008-03-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I read all the posts my friend cara puts on her blog and i'm extremely woeful of my lack of things to post. i had a good weekend... anniversary celebration with jj on friday, wedding with friends from ou on saturday, pizza and cards with my folks saturday night, breakfast with one of my youth kids on sunday AM and lots of napping and lounging today (with an attempt at cinnamon rolls with spelt flour that i believe failed miserably).
a note about the spelt flour. it's healthy for you. better than wheat- not as heavy. but you can't used it in a cinnamon roll recipe or anything that in general is designed to be unhealthy for you at its core. muffins? maybe. a good wheat bread? sure. cinnamon rolls? no. just accept the sugary fact along with the melted butter and sugary goodness that you intended when you decided upon cinnamon rolls as your baked good.
i wish i had more thoughts. i might later. i've been pondering palm sunday today and wondering why i feel like i missed something... maybe after some reflection i'll post again.

she's here

2008-03-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

aleena was born at 1 am today- sharing a birthday with my mom. everything went ok, sarah's doing good. i can't wait till i get to visit with this new little niece of mine!! i must say a highlight of the whole experience is my saintly mother-in-law and her sheer love for sarah and this new grandbaby. it's so exciting to see. its very different from the grandma marj love that i've seen thus far... it's hard to explain. but it's beautiful.
it's also straight up crazy that this thing, that for 9 months has only been an idea- "the baby"- is now a person. she's got personality, she's got life of her own. crazy. now, when it comes to the nature/nurture debate, i seem to fall pretty heavy on the nurture side- i feel we are products of our environment. but yet little aleena is not just some lifeless piece of clay ready to be molded, though surely her experiences will shape her. she's very much a distinct creation of God's own work. amazing.
i just sent kristy an im yesterday asking if we really can imagine things we've never seen. for instance, when i call people for work i try to imagine what they look like. i was imagining one man yesterday and then it struck me that he looked distinctly like larry hays, a friend from 7th grade. i thought, "is it even possible for me to create in my head an image that has not been influenced by the other things i know?" i don't think it is. or, if it is possible, it's a gift, which is probably why i'm jealous of most artists.
but the crazy thing is, God does this on a daily, if not hourly basis. he creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give. wow, i'm having a deja vu moment, because that phrase came to me in a dream earlier this week and it's just coming to me. crazy. but back to it. God doesn't have Larry Hays on the brain when he creates Aleena. He creates Aleena based upon himself. isn't that phenomenel?
i feel the need to explain my deja vu phrase, "God creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give." its like, God's creativity isn't hindered because he's made 867 children this way, so the next one will be like it. God doesn't fall prey to the "its just the way it is". instead, he loves and creates because it's what he does. not in the "i don't want to give you a nose, so i won't" kind of way, but more like when a little child paints a picture and i suddenly have blonde hair instead of red, because that's what the kid wants to give me. it's how s/he sees me. it's like an unhindered view of true beauty. that's what God has.

man, i wish i had an artistic spirit.

leaving the comfy

2008-03-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

open season. today was the first run of spring. it's march, spring must surely be coming- the snow was even starting to melt. it was a good day for a run.
I must say, however, it was a very different run than what i'm used to. it's been nearly 5 months of running indoors on a treadmill. in many ways this run was easier- i run faster on a treadmill, for longer, so i was barely tired when i got home (good news for the may 3rd quatro miler). on the other hand, it was much harder. some of it was dodging the not-melted patches of snice (snowy-ice mix, you know). some of it was not thinking about how cold my toesies were from not being able to dodge the last huge 3 mile puddle. some of it was worrying about how much mud roxanne would bring home with her. and last but not least was avoiding the spray from the semis going too fast down sandusky ave (i felt very "Forrest Gump" as i wiped my brow).
but the better runs are always outdoors. the challenge for me today was getting me out the door. i really wouldn't've (it's officially a word!) if Kristy hadn't called me and told me i had to.

So as i ran, i was thinking- as is my custom- mostly about some of the reading i've been doing. today's was a huge hunk of Joseph's life. i've been stuck in jacob's life, but finally yesterday emerged into Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat. specifically how his brothers sold him to egypt but God watched over him and all but handed over the entire kingdom of egypt to joseph. this is because joseph was a dream-reader and new a famine was coming, so he saved grain during the years of plenty (probably a whole other post, btw).
so my first question was, "why did God give the message to the egyptians, rather than the israelites?" yes, i know, it has something to do with Joseph and "God's plan"- but that's the easy way out. throughout the rest of the story, God always gives the isrealites the inside scoop of what's coming, but this time he told Pharoah. and Joseph became all but an egyptian- complete with egyptian wives.
From this question emerges my sympathy for jacob. he spent most of his live wondering around, working off 2 wives (one of which he didn't even want) and trying to get back home to Cannon to live in the promised land of his father. he finally gets there. life is good (except for the heartache of loosing joseph, of course). he's ready to die a semi-happy man.
but God brings upon a famine and joseph gets the whole family to move to Goshen (which is also a township in ohio). WHY??? WHY DOES JACOB HAVE TO GO? why does God do this?
he was living in cannon, the land of his fathers, the land which GOD HIMSELF promised him he would possess. it's been good to him up to this point- great livestock, lots of money- when they move to goshen, they are rich. they're just grainless.
but then i think about jacob. he's ready to die a semi-happy man. he did a few notable things, one being that he turned his life around from the liar he started out to be, but probably doesn't live up to the standard of grandpa abraham.
so this is my pondering: was cannon too comfortable? i haven't gotten to this part yet (recently), but i think we'll see a little bit of that after the exodus- the land flowing with milk and honey becomes a little to cushy and the people of God forget where they've come from.
i wonder if that's the case here with jacob. life was a little too good.
it's like spending too many months on a treadmill. the run outside will do you good. it works a few different muscles (specifically when you get to those hills!). it makes you consider other elements.
obviously, this could have great personal implications. but my life hasn't been "cozy" lately, so i'll take it a different direction. how's life been for the Church? are we experiencing Cannon? i don't really think we can honestly say we've endured much persecution (when you put it on a scale with underground house churches in asia). i wonder if maybe we're living in comfy land, running on a treadmill with no wind or puddles to think about, but all the time we should be getting ready for a tougher run outside.
or better yet, let me take it this route: what about america, land of the free, home of the brave. aren't we mostly a land flowing with milk and honey? what might that mean? (yeah, that was only partially a question).

this makes me sad

2008-02-14T18:18:00.000-08:00

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source: the findlay courier.

it's not as easy as it sounds

2008-02-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

so for this year's lenten season i did some evaluating of what needed improvement in my life. since time seems to be of the essence for me, i decided to do something that would help me be wise with the hours i've been given- i'm tired of saying "i didn't have time." it's typically not true, i just didn't make time (*with the exception of stuff that needs to be done during regular business hours, like calling hospitals and insurance companies. i literally did not have time to call them).
so, i thought to myself, "what takes up time that really isn't productive or recreative?" that's how i came up with facebook as my lenten sacrifice. it eats up time but really does nothing for me.
i can't believe how hard it's actually been! a few people have written on my wall or sent me messages- i hate that i can't get to it. but even more, i come home at the end of the the day and i want to see what everyone else has done, said or posted. what's going on in so-and-so's life? who is xyz dating? oh, STATUS change????
it's emotional pornography. i'm escaping my world and my bad day for the hopes that life is better inside the Book. i watch as others' lives unfold right before me so that i don't have to deal with what's happening in my life- or, at least, i use it to make myself feel better, saying, "at least i don't ________."
i'd have to say, lent is making me not only face the time i have with questions of "how can i use it now that i have it?" but as well, "well, michele, who are you? what do you feel?"
lent is so good, in a just-ran-a-really-hard-run-but-it-kinda-hurts kind of way.

who touched me?

2008-02-11T06:59:00.001-08:00

the woman has been sick for years, she thinks, "just touch his robe, then i can be healed". Jesus is among lots and lots of people and he knows when she touches him.
this is not just a story of how jesus is very sensitive. actually, i think it's more about the woman. Jesus says, "your faith has healed you."
here's what i think. i think jesus knows the difference between touch. he knows the difference between someone getting close to him because they recognize that he has the power to change their life, and someone who's getting close to him to watch the show. he can tell when someone touches him as if their life depends upon it. it's not an accidental bump or stepping oh his sandal because you're walking too close.
to use an rti phrase, jesus knows when you're "reaching out" and making the effort instead of haphazardly bumping into him.
"ask seek knock".
"reach out to me and you will find healing because of your faith."

i love good friends

2008-02-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

i love when you have friends that just know that when you say "can we talk" that really means "i need to talk to you right now, i really don't want to cry all by myself and i need to feel validated please please please pay attention to me."
i love that i have a friend that can tell me, "it's not the feelings that you have that are wrong- it's what you do with those feelings."
i love that i have a friend that can tell me that i don't have to try. and she really means it.
for the record, i also love friends that will come to book club when it's evident that no one read the book and the ones who did (partially) will testify that it's really not that good, but they make the trip anyway because it's a good time and you made a lot of food.
i love friends that will give me her clothes to wear for an entire weekend because my husband forgot to bring the bags i packed.
i love good friends. i need good friends. not just because it makes life better, but i really think i'd go crazy without them. and because i'd have to go to a redwings game without any pants.

the key to a good movie

2008-02-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

i went this evening to watch 27 dresses as a compensation of sorts for sitting through the superbowl. for a quick review, the movie is 200% stereotypical chick flick (can you say how to loose a guy in 10 days?), but i enjoyed.
donald miller gave a sermon at mars hill once on the use of story. listen to it. then you'll know that i'm going to steal some of his concepts and make them my own.
the key to a good story is that you identify with the character. thus, the correlation to me not really connecting to Rocky. but romantic comedies, though completely fake (if you notice they never have a boring day at work and always have time for elaborate breakfasts and late night "drinks" with friends), still have their charm in that they take a small spark of something you feel on the inside and they "fan the flame" if you will.
which, for a movie about "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" is very interesting to me. 3 of the 4 gals i was sitting with were married. yet we were all somehow emotionally tied to this movie. which goes to show, in Rob Bell's words, "this is always about that." (read SexGod for more).
so, back to characters and movies. i have this crazy feeling that every girl in the theater was envisioning themselves as the main character, Jane. no one in there really saw Tess, the beautiful, spoiled little sister who took the guy from Jane without knowing it, and thought "hey, that is so me!"
it's amazing the emotion a chick flick can evoke. it's like the movie takes that which you feel deepest (be it loneliness, anger, feeling overlooked and under appreciated... just to name a few that this particular movie centered in on), and highlights it. the movie takes it and becomes your voice because everyone in the theater knows that it's not right.
the problem is, as much as i felt jane's pain, as much as we all feel like her, we're not her. there are pieces of us that ring true, and that's why we feel that way. but there are pieces of each of the characters that are alive in us. i am also the loud-mouthed bff who says things she shouldn't. and i'm the demanding sister who doesn't think about other people's feelings before she rips up an heirloom wedding dress.
i love movies because i can identify with the hero. i hate movies because i see the vileness of the villan in me. i love movies because when the heroine's wrongs are righted, i feel justice. i hate movies because i must come to grips with the fact that i'm part of the problem in someone else's wrongs.

timing is everything?

2008-01-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

"Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, but oddly, when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed on where he was for 2 more days. After the 2 days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go back to Judea." (John 11:5-7, The Message)

I was stuck on this story in the not-so-distant past and I think I might go somewhere with it in the near future. This morning I was pondering the timing of it all. Mary and Martha send word to Jesus that Lazarus is not doing so hot. Now, we know that previously Mary was at the feet of Jesus (the story introduces her this way), so we have an idea that maybe M&M aren't requesting that Jesus come sit shiva with them like good friends do. It wasn't a "get in your final goodbye" or "I need you here with me in this hard time" request. I don't think so. I think it was a "please, please Jesus come and save him or he's going to die." I'm going on a hunch that Mary and Martha were 2 ladies that "got it" that Jesus was the Messiah and did have the power to restore Lazarus back to health, so they asked him to do it.
Jesus hears the message and waits for 2 days before deciding to go back to Judea. On the third day (*ahem, note timing), he says, "welp, there's 12 hours of good travel time. Let's go."
There's a brief sidebar conversation by the disciples, and if left to their devices they never would've went to Judea at all- but that's a later conversation.
So they get to Bethany and they find that Lazarus is dead. Not just a "ooohhh, you just missed him." He's 4 days dead. In nowadays time, the funeral is over (in Jewish time, they've still got 3 days left).
So let's add this up... 4 days dead. Day 4 was the "12 hours of daylight" travel time. Day 2 and 3 was when Jesus was apparently sitting around and proving a point. Day 1- well, that's when Jesus got the message. And if you account for the 12 hours for the messenger to get to wherever Jesus was (which is a bit of a mystery at this point), we find that by the time Jesus learns of Lazarus' sickness, he was actually already dead.
So, this is my question to you: Why did Mary and Martha wait until Lazzie was on his deathbed before they called in Jesus? Why not when he was coughing and sputtering? Why is it that at the first sign of needing Jesus we think that we "shouldn't bother him" but when it gets to life and death all of a sudden we're sending urgent messages and yelling at him when he shows up 4 days too late?
I'm not putting the blame on M&M for Lazarus' death- Jesus said outright that it would be an occasion for all to believe. But I think we can look at M&M's actions and learn a little something about ourselves. But what kind of faith-test do we put ourselves, and Jesus, in when we wait until the moment of desperation to seek after Him? Why do we only want him at the very end, when it really, really counts?

Now, I know there's a place for desperation- I've been to that point when you need to realize that there's no other rock to which you can cling. But I wonder how the story would be different if Mary and Martha had asked Jesus to stop by a few weeks earlier because Lazzie had a hacking cough he just couldn't lick. Mary and Martha wouldn't have been frustrated with Jesus showing up a bit late. He would've had perfect timing, then.
But then again, there would be no miracle- a "turnaround sign for many of the Jews" (11:45).

better think of something good...

2008-01-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

I had my first "adult education" bible study class tonight. I wasn't really sure what to expect, so I put a few ideas together. as usual, God shows that his plans are beyond our understanding, so it'll be a good adventure over the next few weeks. the Bible is always a good adventure. but this is not the point of the blog... the point came when one woman (the coordinator of it all) said she had read up on my blog and enjoyed a post. i thought, "what blog... oh, yeah.... I haven't touched that for a while!" so, now that people are checking, i have to come up with something brilliant. ah, pressure.
but no, actually this has been burning lately and i haven't felt propelled to post because i thought it would just ring empty into cyber space. now i shall give it some air time.
We were at bible study last week (my usual ladies, not the special class) and Wendy brought up Jesus' difficult teaching on the rich and heaven. She said, "how do we teach that rich people, straight up, won't get into heaven?"
it is then, by the grace of God, that a realization came (and i know it was from God because I had never thought it before, nor understood it until it came out)... it's not about who does or does not get into heaven. it's about who will let the Kingdom of Heaven rule in their hearts. the rich are so filled up on their concerns about the riches of the world and whatnot that there's no room for God to do their thing.
think about it... the beatitudes are all about the lacking- being poor, grief, giving up control and power. it's when you have to let go of things or people that you can finally open your arms to what God has for you.
it made me really reflect- what fills my heart? what's taking up space that God can't get in? Oswald said this morning (can you tell what i'm reading again?) that it's easy to find God in the hard times- it's when things are easy that it's tough. when life is good you have something to cling to. when life is hard you learn the difference between a rock and a sandy beach- some things are sturdy and some drift with a whim.

this thought is not as nearly put-together as i'd like it to be. but maybe it'll come together after some further ponderings. until then, i'm going to go to sleep :)

thankshaving?

2007-11-22T07:00:00.001-08:00

I was up in the middle of the night, i'm pretty sure because God wanted to tell me something about this year's thanksgiving. I was reflecting on thanksgiving and why this year it seems so much more real to me. this year i decided to celebrate thanksgiving instead of thankshaving. normally this holiday is one where we can list the several things that we're grateful for. but mostly that's just a list of how we're better off than the next guy.
i'm hoping my holiday has changed from that.
it only takes God giving you something, and then taking it away before you were ready to give it up, to realize that's not just about gratefulness. it's about realizing where it came from. God is the giver of all "good and perfect gifts." he can "give and take away."
When you begin to see with these eyes, you see everything in your life as a gift. God gives- and not only that, but you have to realize that it was His before it was yours and it will be His again someday. in essence, everything we have is just out on loan. the person lying beside you in bed at night, the children that keep you awake, the next breath you take- its all on loan. God can ask for it back, but He gave it to us to love and enjoy for His glory while we have it.
when we see things as "mine" or "ours", like it's a right we have, it's not really thankfulness, it's just making a list of stuff. but when we see what God has given- that it's a gift, not a right, not something deserved- then we can be truly thankful.
this all seemed a lot more clearer at 4AM.

the ark is the point!

2007-10-29T05:32:00.000-07:00

Watched Evan Almighty last night. Not bad. Of course, sequels are never live up to the original. But for some reason, in the middle of the one of the worst nights of my life, it became clear.
God gives the ark. That's how you know.
Noah's ark. Jonah's whale-belly. The disciples' boat. They all were out, living in the midst of a storm, a storm that God can control (as seen in the disciples' boat example), but that's not how God chooses to show us his love. He doesn't get rid of storms, he gives us a place of comfort in it. The ark still endured the storm. Jonah still got tossed around. The disciples still got wet. But they were in the presence of a loving God that gave refuge, a sense of peace in the midst of that which could not be controlled.
A common theme to early civilizations (we're talking pre-pre-anything. The time that the Pentateuch was written) was the idea of "toe-voo va boe-hoo" (that's transliterated Hebrew. sorry, no hebrew font on this app, and I'm not sure i could remember how to spell it). The uncontrollable waters. The place where, if you upset the gods who lived there, you were sure to die. A place of refuge was necessary for life to continue.
So, when Jesus calmed the storm, that was a pretty big deal. When God "hovered above the waters", also a big deal. God is bigger than that and is in control of all that.
So why doesn't he just make nice waters all the time? Why the storms?
Because then we'd never enter the ark. We'd never need the presence of Jesus. We'd never reconsider that maybe we're headed in the wrong direction (in the case of Jonah). We'd never see how good God truly is because we'd never recognize our need for him in the storms.
God doesn't choose to give us bad things, storms. And they're not outside of his control.
My favorite line from the movie last night was Morgan Freeman's jaunt on opportunity. He said, "When someone prays for patience, does God just make you patient or does he give the opportunity to become a more patient person? Or when someone prays for the family to become closer, does He give you warm, happy feelings or the opportunity to do something together?"
When we cry out to God in the midst of a storm, does God take away the storm or give you the opportunity to find refuge in Him?

(I also have thoughts on the "knowledge of good and evil" and the curse. But that shall come later. )

untitled

2007-10-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

Then Jesus became explicit: "Lazarus died. And I am glad for your sakes that I wasn't there. You're about to be given new grounds for believing. Now let's go to him." (John 11:14-15)
...
Mary came to where Jesus was waiting and fell at his feet, saying, "Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her sobbing and the Jews with her sobbing, a deep anger welled up within him. He said, "where did you put him?"
"Master, come and see," they said. Now Jesus wept.
The Jews said, "Look how deeply he loved him."
Others among them said, "Well, if he loved him so much, why didn't he do something to keep him from dying? After all he opened the eyes of a blind man."
Then Jesus, the anger again welling up within him, arrived at the tomb. It was a simple cave in the hillside with a slab of stone laid against it. Jesus said, "Remove the stone." The sister of the dead man, Martha, said, "Master, by this time there's a stench. He's been dead for four days!"
Jesus looked her in the eye. "Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (11:33-40)
...

Things i've noticed:
1. Jesus' "anger welled up within him." Twice.
2. "if only you were here"
3. "if he loved him *that* much"
4. "it's been four days..."
5. "Didn't I tell you?"
6. "new grounds for believing//the glory of God."

It's become very evident to me that it's not Jesus' love, or lack thereof, for Lazarus, Mary or Martha that is at the center of this story. He gets just a little angry when people begin to tie his love to his acts. They begin thinking that they are the reason for what Jesus did. But really, this miraculous act was about the glory of God.
Somehow we begin to think that God's love for us is only made evident when He does what we want Him to do, in our time. But that's not love. Love isn't always getting what you want.

We know God loves us because He puts us in the midst of his miraculous works. Whether it's creation or redemption, He has made us a part of His great plan for this world. And he does miracles all the time to give us reason to believe in it, to continue believing in it, even when He doesn't do what we want when we want Him to.

a return

2007-10-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

as i was perusing the itunes podcast section, i came across erwin mcmanus' sermons. i decided to download one to see what i thought. it was called "the lie" and he was circling in on the fall and the lie we believe about ourself.
then i got an email from my sister, whom i might visit this weekend, and she included a sermon from her pastor from last week so that if i go to church, i will not be lost amid the series. the title? "the lie." hmmm... i think it's time to revisit genesis 1-3?

so i did. and now i have questions. of course.
1. adam and eve were naked. life was good. they ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. still naked, but now life was bad. why? it obviously wasn't the nakedness. they were naked in the beginning; God made it that way and life was good. and it's not as if God was trying to pull one over on them, keeping the fact that they were naked a secret because it was bad... he wanted it to be that way. so why, praytell, does our knowledge of good and evil have an effect on our nakedness and our perception of its badness? it seems that the nakedness wasn't the problem... the problem is what we thought of it all.

2. the youngest as favorite syndrome. as an oldest child, i relate. seems it began with adam and eve... abel, the baby, always did things better than cain. you know, in cain's defense, he had to screw up so that others could learn from the mistakes of the eldest. it's the way life works. but, nonetheless, it seems that the youngest is always God's favorite, as well. isaac over ishmeal for Abraham; jacob over easu for Isaac; benjamin over all 11 of them for jacob. Christ over Adam. The second is always chosen over the first. Why?

3. what is the "knowledge of good and evil" really all about? how does knowing good and evil change the course of human history? why did it change our relationship with God? i think has something to do with self-relience, or in the words of Angie's pastor, the beginnings of self-preservation (thus the plight of Cain.... if i'm not good enough, then destroy that which reveals that i'm not good enough). but why does knowing good and evil drive us to self-preservation? why does the choice between the two (good or evil) mean that we frequently choose to self-preserve?

Seriously, folks. Not being my usual antagonist self... i'd like to know how these things come together to form our understanding of God and ourselves.

ah, jacob

2007-10-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

JJ and i were doing our bible study for the AM and it used the story of Jacob and his 2 wives. While the point the study was getting at, crazy intra-family conflict, wasn't necessarily what provoked this post, I was compelled to revisit the character of Jacob.
He was quite a guy. I remember hearing a sermon in my preaching practicum class about him, and my colleague drew upon the fact that early in his life Jacob had some real self-actualization issues. Early in his life he said "I am Esau" when he was not. It took him a good bit of life and a wrestle with God before he could say, "I am Jacob". Which means, btw, "Heel". "Problem". Trickster. You know, I could see why Jacob wasn't real keen on announcing himself with a name like that.
So I did a bit of rereading on Jacob's life. Just a skim through, it'll take a while to really absorb all that his God did in his life. But what I came up with, i'm actually still processing. Which is why i write about it under a blog called "thoughts in process." that means they're not finished. gives me a bit of leeway.
Jacob started his life named a problem-child. He tricked his brother into giving up his birthright and tricked his dad into giving him the blessing. He then began quite a pattern of running from his problem. Another connection to the name "Heel"? He went to his uncle to get a couple of wives and he himself was tricked. But here's where I began to notice a life pattern for Jacob. He was a guy that had his eye on what he wanted and he really felt he had a right to have it, no matter the cost. He wanted the life of the firstborn, so he tricked his way into it. He wanted the younger, prettier wife- but that was not proper. Didn't stop him from bartering for it (and smart guy would go find himself a wingman to marry the older one so he could have Rachel and everyone is happy). Jacob would see something and then do what it took to have it. You have to admit, he was probably quite a heel to deal with.
After quite a while of doing well, Jacob gets up and scoots out in the middle of the night. Running again. Both times he has been successful and has, legally, rightfully gained what is his. But he runs. I think maybe Jacob is living the quote, "Who I am hates who I've been." He's running and running, trying to escape his heel-ed-ness. He's coming home now, because God told him to and Jacob has at least learned not to go against that. But at the fjord of the river (i've always wanted to use that word in a sentence), before going home, Jacob is forced to deal with who it is that he has become. Wrestling with God, he is forced to admit, "I'm a heel."
There's no more running, and now there's no more wrestling. Because when Jacob finally admits what he's been all these years, God says, "not anymore, you're not. Now you're Israel." God-wrestler.
After this, the tone of Jacob's life begins to change. Slowly. I mean, it's a process. He meets up with Esau, there is reconciliation, a theme that Jacob previously didn't know how to deal with in an honoring way (hence all the running). Esau essentially tells him, "come on home." Jacob agrees, but it takes him a while to get there. There's at least another chapter before he finally gets home, as he settles in for a bit at a few different places (and his sons completely annihilate one of villages- I think they carry some of their father's issues). He hasn't completely changed, but has instead followed the path of his grandpa and calls his wife his sister. Some lessons take time i guess.
But finally Jacob comes home after a very meaningful meeting with God in Bethel. It's been quite a journey.
A bunch of striking themes within the life of Jacob. I think it might take a few more reads ;). There's the issue of conflict and resolution and reconciliation. But most interesting to me is Jacob's issues with himself. I can identify. Sometimes you just don't like who you've been or who you are. You try to call yourself by different names and take on the life of the people that you wish you were. But that's not who you truly are. And when you're tired of running, you wrestle. And, finally, at the end of the fight, you just admit it. "I've been a heel all my life."
And that's when God says, "That's not who you are any more. I am going to give you a name, that's how you'll be known, and that's how you should live." Sometimes it takes a while to get used to the new name, and you'll always know what you've been. Other people will know who you've been. But i guess this just begins the journey of learning to live as the person God has called you to be, rather than what you've always known to do.

lessons from a bag lady (you will need to have seen rent to understand this)

2007-08-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

it seems quite incredible the depth of thought that can come from watching rent for the 9 millionth time. i was watching the deleted scenes with the directors comments (because when you watch it so much, you need some flair), and there was a scene in which Mark the camera man and Roger the musician have an argument, which i had long since forgotten was in the musical version. but basically, angel had just died and roger didn't want to be around when mimi dies and mark calls him out on it. of course, the entire argument is sung.
anyway, as a way of turning the attention from his own shortcomings, roger redirects the fight toward mark. he says, "what about you?" then he launches into a solo about how mark is always saying "you must feel for the people" but in actuality he hides behind the camera.

then, while watching the movie as the director released it, i stumble upon the scene where the gang is outside and a bag lady is getting pushed around by the cop (this is right before Santa Fe, for those of you following along at home). mark, with camera ever ready at the helm, says, "smile officer..." and the cops just tell the bag lady she needs to move it. but then, the bag lady just launches into mark! she says something along the line of "you an artist? you artists always ready to [paraphrasing here: make a case out of my life's conditions"]. THEN she says, "artists got a quarter? that's what i thought." [because they don't have a quarter. they're poor. they can't pay the rent, thus the theme song and purpose of the movie.]

and you're thinking to yourself, "umhumm. so?"

and i say to you, what a tragedy.

it's a tragedy when you become so familiar with life's pitfalls and difficulties that we don't begin to search for ways to find more quarters. instead, the approach is usually to use someone's life as an example of why this or that ought not to be.

if you've ever worked in a job that required you to connect on an emotional level with people, you know the dangerous dance (almost a Tango Maureen) that is the love and help you show people versus your own mental and emotional sanity. knowing your limits. knowing whats best and how to truly help a person. dangerous dance. but i'm wondering if sometimes we allow ourselves to veer to the side of safety- get behind a videocamera- simply because it's too hard to go there with that person. that we want to feel as if we're doing something to make the wrongs right, but in actuality we haven't identified ourselves with those who are hurting at all.

this is a really long post that is going to leave a lot of people disappointed when it comes to no real conclusion. all i know is that, 5 hours after watching the movie, it has me all keyed up. i'm wondering what my video camera is. i'm wondering who i identify with (because that's the essence of mark and roger's adventures- they have the ability to do more but choose to live where and as they do because they want to "fight the larger powers that be")- who do i want to identify with but really i just know a lot about them. who is saying, "stop writing blogs of ungodly length and just give me a quarter!"

*ps, though i love comments, please refrain from using the "give a man a fish/teach a man to fish" argument. this isn't about economics. it's about compassion. we'll save the fishing for another day.

what is love? baby don't hurt me...

2007-07-25T05:41:00.001-07:00

"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." (Ephesians 5:1-2, Mes)

I think i've returned to this passage 78 times this summer. Maybe that's an exaggeration. 72 times. And every time I come to it, it just rocks my world. Love extravagently. Love so that you give, not get. Ouch.
I know Paul wasn't pointing fingers... but he seems to be. I want to be a person of love- i see them all around me and that's what i want to be. I think i could be good at it if i was able to choose my targets. I could love soraya in a way that gives instead of gets. but then again, she offers me so much joy by loving her that maybe it's a selfish love, too. it reminds me of that episode in friends where phoebe says there's no such thing as an unselfish deed... that we only do good things because we like feeling good about it. sometimes i wonder if i love when it's hard not because i'm a loving person but because i know i "should" or it's the thing to do.
but i don't want to be a person who simply follows through on orders. i want to be a person of love and compassion... someone who loves extravagantly, not just enough to make the other person feel loved. not just enough to be a good wife, sister, daughter & friend, but with so much love that it can only come from God himself.
so i ask (rhetorically, of course), why do i have so much problem loving in such a way? why do i stop just before jumping off the selfless cliff? what fears me? because we know, thanks to john the first, that there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out all fear. so what am i scared of?
a good shrink would probably tell me i've been wounded in the past. whatev. i can't recall any deep woundings. if anything, i think i had a wonderful example of selfless love in my father. but i can't seem to want to make the plunge into a life centered on God and flowing with love simply because God finds joy in the things that i love (ie: people). they're God's creation and i should love and cherish them for basically no other reason...
once again, a process.
i'm trying, i really am.

purpose

2007-07-23T12:15:00.001-07:00

tonight at journey we talked about PSaul's conversion (thanks, tyler, for that crafty way of getting around the "what name do i use?" issue). lots of great discussion, but it left me with a few parting, interwoven, thoughts. First, as 21st century Americans, we typically value Psaul for his contributions in building the church. a great contribution it is! he built what we now function from... i'm a psaul fan, so the following comments are in no way a slander to psaul's glorious work for God. But God didn't love Paul because of what Paul did for God. God loved Paul because God is love. God loved Paul for the man he was and for the man he was to become. In our task-driven, workaholic culture, i think we walk a dangerous line of valuing people because of what they can do for us. one of my professors often said we tend to make the people around us either scenery or machinery. we use them to make ourselves look better or to make us more functional. But God doesn't do that. He doesn't see his children only as a means to carrying out what is going on in his mind. He loves us for who we are before he loves us for what we can do. i work at a place that does outsource recruiting and hiring. basically, we find good people for jobs. God does not work at RTi. God does not look through our resume of activity and decide which of my experiences will be most beneficial for the position he has open for changing the world. he doesn't see that i have a bit of church-work experience that would fit well for what he's looking for. God doesn't dig around and find something useful for him. as jim said, God was quite brilliant in having Paul as his man for forming the church. but i think it's bigger than that. God didn't see Paul as the perfect candidate. God created the perfect candidate in Paul. which brings me to another thought... God loved paul because God created him. and (*important nugget of personal information: i do not typically veer closely to the edge of pre-destination. I believe God gave us the power to love him by giving us the gift of free will and choice. so what i'm about to say has large implications knowing where i began...)when we consider the idea of "God's plan for your life" and "God's will" i think we often only think of our usefulness to God. where can i serve, what can i DO for God. we forget that God is creating us and renewing us to be his children. that his plan for us began long before we conceptualized His plan. if you were to ask Saul pre-damascus trip, i'm sure he would have told us that he was following God's will for his life. but after an encounter with jesus, that understanding of God's will changed. God's will didn't... Psaul's understanding of it did. i'm sure there's more to this, but this is a good ending spot. perhaps more another time?