somehow it seems very appropriate that we move on graduation weekend. this, the weekend before, is when i shall pack. if i can find enough boxes. but i'm sitting here looking around at all the stuff that now must somehow find its way to a new home in findlay.
i hate packing not only because it involves lifting heavy things and being forced to purge others ("what if i need that later?"), but because it also means saying goodbye. i remember the feeling of packing up at 1605 in University Commons and hated the entire thing... not only because the girls next door had a party and my parents were arriving the next day to load a truck, but because i was saying good bye to some very very wonderful elements in my life. i knew life would never be the same.
and it's kinda that way now. to jj, this house was our first home, the "love shack". to me, this was my first step into adulthood, the home to so many memories of wonderful times. it started with scraping wallpaper with mary and taping box patterns in my bedroom with scott. then there was "fun with ang and chad" night- complete with Pit and Anna and colored guitar. sitting on the couch with kristy, coming up with some of the best and worst ideas for youth events ever. i wish i had a dollar for every glass of wine we drank on that couch. then there was the crotcheting. and when K hung her hideous Kuenzli Tacky Craft wreath over my clock and wouldn't take it down until may.
Then Clinton nearly broke a toe trying to get Kristy moved out. watching movies and making smores in our backyard. small groups coming over, taking up my entire street because of bad parking jobs. setting up stations so that kids could pray throughout my entire home. making christmas goodies with alyssa, rachel and jordan. kelsey or abbie coming over so we can run.
it's crazy that it was a year ago when i said goodbye to being a church staffer. and now that i'm also leaving the place that was home to so much of that, i can see how important that space in my life really was to me. i knew it was important when i left the job, but now that i'm leaving the town, the home to it... well, i just miss it, that's all.
i'm sure ryan can vouch for it, but really it's harder on this side. kids loose one youth director (and get another). retired youth directors loose 50 kids (and there's no such thing as replacements).
ok, i need to be done with the melodrama. time to wish another one of my wonderful memories a happy grown-up life at their graduation party. onward we go.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
i don't really understand... but i guess it's okay.
i saw brian beall at work the other day. we hadn't crossed paths in a while and i realized the time had lapsed since his wife was scheduled to have a baby. so i asked about her. little one is doing great, happy healthy... all that exciting stuff.
so that closes out the numbers. all the people that were due to have babies at approximately the same time as me (some of them within days), now are at home with babies. the little ones have been born and there are reasons to rejoice. new life is always a reason to rejoice.
it's just hard to believe where life has brought us in the time that we lost our baby. life has changed SOOOO significantly, and continues to do so. good things. don't get me wrong, the miscarriage was one of the hardest things i've lived... but i'm in amazement at where life has taken us since. jj swiching careers. moving. a second chance.
though part of me wants to be a little sad for myself when i see May Baby pictures, there's a part of me that just trusts. i have to. if God can change things, bring things that we need- before we even know we need them - then how much more can we trust him.
may 9 passed by pretty uneventfully... no one really noticed. but i guess i shouldn't lend any more significance to it than what it's due- that time has passed, life has changed and that each day, God brings us what we need. and he'll continue to do so every day.
so that closes out the numbers. all the people that were due to have babies at approximately the same time as me (some of them within days), now are at home with babies. the little ones have been born and there are reasons to rejoice. new life is always a reason to rejoice.
it's just hard to believe where life has brought us in the time that we lost our baby. life has changed SOOOO significantly, and continues to do so. good things. don't get me wrong, the miscarriage was one of the hardest things i've lived... but i'm in amazement at where life has taken us since. jj swiching careers. moving. a second chance.
though part of me wants to be a little sad for myself when i see May Baby pictures, there's a part of me that just trusts. i have to. if God can change things, bring things that we need- before we even know we need them - then how much more can we trust him.
may 9 passed by pretty uneventfully... no one really noticed. but i guess i shouldn't lend any more significance to it than what it's due- that time has passed, life has changed and that each day, God brings us what we need. and he'll continue to do so every day.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
the year of jubilee (what if, what if...)
"In this Year of Jubilee everyone is to return to their own property. If you sell land to any of your own people or buy land from them, do not take advantage of each other. You are to buy from your own people on the basis of the number of years since the Jubilee...When the years are many, you are to increase the price and when the years are few, you are to decrease the price because what is really being sold to you is the number of crops." -Leviticus 25:13-16, bits and pieces.
I was reading this the other morning in my devotibible (how handy that the devotions are filled in...). The blurb that followed this section focused on freedom and knowing that freedom is coming, tying that in to the price paid by Christ. Good stuff, I assure you, I'm glad to be free "from the bondage of sin." Don't get me wrong. But somehow, and it could be that I'm just too much of a reader, I don't think that's necessarily what this passage was about. Let me re-phrase that- I don't think the original hearers of this wonderful, amazing message of Jubilee heard about freedom from sin. And I say that because of verse 23, [God speaking here:]
"The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers."
Call me crazy, and I probably am for many other reasons, i think God is serious about calling us to think about how we buy and sell. I think maybe, just maybe, God had some inkling that we humans would struggle with possessiveness and ownership and wanting more "stuff." He saw the moving Finding Nemo with the "mine mine mine" birds.
Can I remark how amazing God is to have the foresight to provide us a way out? I mean, he knows that over the traverse of time we'd get ourselves further into debt or seek after buying more and more stuff, land being the ultimate example. And instead of telling us what evil sinners we are, he just mandates a way out. He says, buy and sell as you might feel you need (read more of chapter 25 to get the details of selling the land or yourselves because of financial hardships), but remember that it's all on loan.
I wonder what life would be like if we realized that in another 50 years it all gets returned. That the house i live in is borrowed property, no matter whose name is on the mortgage. I wonder what it would be like for employers to realize that they're buying the crop, not the land- and that the fruits of my labor is all that's for sale, the land actually belongs to someone else. I wonder what it would be like if I realized that everything in my life- friends, family, education- is borrowed property and God, the owner of it all, is just blessing me by letting me enjoy.
The current status quo is like a friend loaning me their summer cottage for a vaca and then me trying to sell it off for profit. I can't! I don't even have true ownership.
I'm not sure how to begin making this a reality in my life, but if every 50 years God thinks its a good thing, then maybe it's something I should look into. Because can you imagine what the world would be like if we all realized that it's all just on loan?
I was reading this the other morning in my devotibible (how handy that the devotions are filled in...). The blurb that followed this section focused on freedom and knowing that freedom is coming, tying that in to the price paid by Christ. Good stuff, I assure you, I'm glad to be free "from the bondage of sin." Don't get me wrong. But somehow, and it could be that I'm just too much of a reader, I don't think that's necessarily what this passage was about. Let me re-phrase that- I don't think the original hearers of this wonderful, amazing message of Jubilee heard about freedom from sin. And I say that because of verse 23, [God speaking here:]
"The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers."
Call me crazy, and I probably am for many other reasons, i think God is serious about calling us to think about how we buy and sell. I think maybe, just maybe, God had some inkling that we humans would struggle with possessiveness and ownership and wanting more "stuff." He saw the moving Finding Nemo with the "mine mine mine" birds.
Can I remark how amazing God is to have the foresight to provide us a way out? I mean, he knows that over the traverse of time we'd get ourselves further into debt or seek after buying more and more stuff, land being the ultimate example. And instead of telling us what evil sinners we are, he just mandates a way out. He says, buy and sell as you might feel you need (read more of chapter 25 to get the details of selling the land or yourselves because of financial hardships), but remember that it's all on loan.
I wonder what life would be like if we realized that in another 50 years it all gets returned. That the house i live in is borrowed property, no matter whose name is on the mortgage. I wonder what it would be like for employers to realize that they're buying the crop, not the land- and that the fruits of my labor is all that's for sale, the land actually belongs to someone else. I wonder what it would be like if I realized that everything in my life- friends, family, education- is borrowed property and God, the owner of it all, is just blessing me by letting me enjoy.
The current status quo is like a friend loaning me their summer cottage for a vaca and then me trying to sell it off for profit. I can't! I don't even have true ownership.
I'm not sure how to begin making this a reality in my life, but if every 50 years God thinks its a good thing, then maybe it's something I should look into. Because can you imagine what the world would be like if we all realized that it's all just on loan?
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
certifiably crazy?
i was on the way home from work when the radio started a riddle. apparently if you came up with the correct answer, you gave the same response as a psychopath. guess who came up with it right away? yup. that does one on the ego for you. here you go, give it a try:
A woman goes to her mother's funeral. There she meets the man of her dreams. She can tell from the first moment that they will spend the rest of their lives together. Unfortunately, she fails to get his name, phone number or any other contact info from him. So they go their separate ways. 3 days later she kills her sister.
Why did she kill her sister?
I'd love to hear if you get it right :)
A woman goes to her mother's funeral. There she meets the man of her dreams. She can tell from the first moment that they will spend the rest of their lives together. Unfortunately, she fails to get his name, phone number or any other contact info from him. So they go their separate ways. 3 days later she kills her sister.
Why did she kill her sister?
I'd love to hear if you get it right :)
Sunday, March 30, 2008
i'm running out of movies
I've spent most of the weekend camped out on my couch (except for a wonderful stint down to the Jeffersonville outlet malls, which was very successful in many facets). Because of this, i'm running out of movies to watch. Friday was Center Stage, last night was the Increadibles and this morning was the Emporer's new groove. But JJ joined me for Rudy this afternoon, which is the movie that prompted this post.
Why can I not get through the movie without crying at the end? I mean... it's football. I've never played football nor have i got the crap beat out of me as part of a "team" but this movie contains something that grips me. (*Sidenote: ever since hearing Donald Miller's talk on Story, i seem to analyze my movies in a different way. I suggest the same for yourself). I usually start crying right when the older guy who tends the stadium yells at Rudy for quitting with one practice left, then the tears intensify as all the 1st string players turn in their jerseys so that Rudy can play in "their spot". Buy the time Rudy's dad gets off the bus and the stadium is chanting his name it's all out emotionalism. And when he gets in and then even gets the sack??? Ah.
But I couldn't stop wondering- why does this matter to me? Because Rudy worked so hard and he "deserved it"? No, i'm pretty against the "you deserve this" theology. We work hard because that's what you're supposed to do, not because of the reward on the other end, which i believe is the root of our selfishness. So is it because i wanted Rudy to "prove himself"? I don't think so, although his older brother did drive me crazy with his complete lack of support. But I think he proved something just by leaving town, so it had nothing to do with stepping onto the field.
My best guess at what jerks my tears is the sense of love and support that Rudy finally felt. He fought for attention and affection for most of his time growing up. It's not that no one really believed in him, but just that no one really saw him. His dad looked right through him, Notre Dame ignored him for several consecutive semesters, and then the new coach barely knew his name. But with the last game, Rudy saw that change. Players appreciated him for who he was and stepped in for him. His parents came to the game and they were proud of him. The stadium janitor worked through some of his pain and bitterness through Rudy.
And all Rudy really did was pursue that which he loved to do the most. I don't want to make light of his hard work- getting the grades, living in a locker room, living out of a singular duffel bag, seeing his ex-girlfriend with his brother, getting the crap beat out of him every day... that's not the life i'm wishing on anyone. So Rudy worked really hard- but ultimately he was doing what he loved and needed to do. He was being the person he was created to be, and suddenly people were able to see that and support him.
So, to me it wasn't a love story of man and football, or small guy doing great things. for me, it was a wonderful story of what happens when people want each other to succeed. when people are supportive, loving and encouraging. it's less about the individual than it is about the community in which s/he lives.
Why can I not get through the movie without crying at the end? I mean... it's football. I've never played football nor have i got the crap beat out of me as part of a "team" but this movie contains something that grips me. (*Sidenote: ever since hearing Donald Miller's talk on Story, i seem to analyze my movies in a different way. I suggest the same for yourself). I usually start crying right when the older guy who tends the stadium yells at Rudy for quitting with one practice left, then the tears intensify as all the 1st string players turn in their jerseys so that Rudy can play in "their spot". Buy the time Rudy's dad gets off the bus and the stadium is chanting his name it's all out emotionalism. And when he gets in and then even gets the sack??? Ah.
But I couldn't stop wondering- why does this matter to me? Because Rudy worked so hard and he "deserved it"? No, i'm pretty against the "you deserve this" theology. We work hard because that's what you're supposed to do, not because of the reward on the other end, which i believe is the root of our selfishness. So is it because i wanted Rudy to "prove himself"? I don't think so, although his older brother did drive me crazy with his complete lack of support. But I think he proved something just by leaving town, so it had nothing to do with stepping onto the field.
My best guess at what jerks my tears is the sense of love and support that Rudy finally felt. He fought for attention and affection for most of his time growing up. It's not that no one really believed in him, but just that no one really saw him. His dad looked right through him, Notre Dame ignored him for several consecutive semesters, and then the new coach barely knew his name. But with the last game, Rudy saw that change. Players appreciated him for who he was and stepped in for him. His parents came to the game and they were proud of him. The stadium janitor worked through some of his pain and bitterness through Rudy.
And all Rudy really did was pursue that which he loved to do the most. I don't want to make light of his hard work- getting the grades, living in a locker room, living out of a singular duffel bag, seeing his ex-girlfriend with his brother, getting the crap beat out of him every day... that's not the life i'm wishing on anyone. So Rudy worked really hard- but ultimately he was doing what he loved and needed to do. He was being the person he was created to be, and suddenly people were able to see that and support him.
So, to me it wasn't a love story of man and football, or small guy doing great things. for me, it was a wonderful story of what happens when people want each other to succeed. when people are supportive, loving and encouraging. it's less about the individual than it is about the community in which s/he lives.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
nothing, really.
I read all the posts my friend cara puts on her blog and i'm extremely woeful of my lack of things to post. i had a good weekend... anniversary celebration with jj on friday, wedding with friends from ou on saturday, pizza and cards with my folks saturday night, breakfast with one of my youth kids on sunday AM and lots of napping and lounging today (with an attempt at cinnamon rolls with spelt flour that i believe failed miserably).
a note about the spelt flour. it's healthy for you. better than wheat- not as heavy. but you can't used it in a cinnamon roll recipe or anything that in general is designed to be unhealthy for you at its core. muffins? maybe. a good wheat bread? sure. cinnamon rolls? no. just accept the sugary fact along with the melted butter and sugary goodness that you intended when you decided upon cinnamon rolls as your baked good.
i wish i had more thoughts. i might later. i've been pondering palm sunday today and wondering why i feel like i missed something... maybe after some reflection i'll post again.
a note about the spelt flour. it's healthy for you. better than wheat- not as heavy. but you can't used it in a cinnamon roll recipe or anything that in general is designed to be unhealthy for you at its core. muffins? maybe. a good wheat bread? sure. cinnamon rolls? no. just accept the sugary fact along with the melted butter and sugary goodness that you intended when you decided upon cinnamon rolls as your baked good.
i wish i had more thoughts. i might later. i've been pondering palm sunday today and wondering why i feel like i missed something... maybe after some reflection i'll post again.
Friday, March 7, 2008
she's here
aleena was born at 1 am today- sharing a birthday with my mom. everything went ok, sarah's doing good. i can't wait till i get to visit with this new little niece of mine!! i must say a highlight of the whole experience is my saintly mother-in-law and her sheer love for sarah and this new grandbaby. it's so exciting to see. its very different from the grandma marj love that i've seen thus far... it's hard to explain. but it's beautiful.
it's also straight up crazy that this thing, that for 9 months has only been an idea- "the baby"- is now a person. she's got personality, she's got life of her own. crazy. now, when it comes to the nature/nurture debate, i seem to fall pretty heavy on the nurture side- i feel we are products of our environment. but yet little aleena is not just some lifeless piece of clay ready to be molded, though surely her experiences will shape her. she's very much a distinct creation of God's own work. amazing.
i just sent kristy an im yesterday asking if we really can imagine things we've never seen. for instance, when i call people for work i try to imagine what they look like. i was imagining one man yesterday and then it struck me that he looked distinctly like larry hays, a friend from 7th grade. i thought, "is it even possible for me to create in my head an image that has not been influenced by the other things i know?" i don't think it is. or, if it is possible, it's a gift, which is probably why i'm jealous of most artists.
but the crazy thing is, God does this on a daily, if not hourly basis. he creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give. wow, i'm having a deja vu moment, because that phrase came to me in a dream earlier this week and it's just coming to me. crazy. but back to it. God doesn't have Larry Hays on the brain when he creates Aleena. He creates Aleena based upon himself. isn't that phenomenel?
i feel the need to explain my deja vu phrase, "God creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give." its like, God's creativity isn't hindered because he's made 867 children this way, so the next one will be like it. God doesn't fall prey to the "its just the way it is". instead, he loves and creates because it's what he does. not in the "i don't want to give you a nose, so i won't" kind of way, but more like when a little child paints a picture and i suddenly have blonde hair instead of red, because that's what the kid wants to give me. it's how s/he sees me. it's like an unhindered view of true beauty. that's what God has.
man, i wish i had an artistic spirit.
it's also straight up crazy that this thing, that for 9 months has only been an idea- "the baby"- is now a person. she's got personality, she's got life of her own. crazy. now, when it comes to the nature/nurture debate, i seem to fall pretty heavy on the nurture side- i feel we are products of our environment. but yet little aleena is not just some lifeless piece of clay ready to be molded, though surely her experiences will shape her. she's very much a distinct creation of God's own work. amazing.
i just sent kristy an im yesterday asking if we really can imagine things we've never seen. for instance, when i call people for work i try to imagine what they look like. i was imagining one man yesterday and then it struck me that he looked distinctly like larry hays, a friend from 7th grade. i thought, "is it even possible for me to create in my head an image that has not been influenced by the other things i know?" i don't think it is. or, if it is possible, it's a gift, which is probably why i'm jealous of most artists.
but the crazy thing is, God does this on a daily, if not hourly basis. he creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give. wow, i'm having a deja vu moment, because that phrase came to me in a dream earlier this week and it's just coming to me. crazy. but back to it. God doesn't have Larry Hays on the brain when he creates Aleena. He creates Aleena based upon himself. isn't that phenomenel?
i feel the need to explain my deja vu phrase, "God creates, not just based on what he knows, but on what he wants to give." its like, God's creativity isn't hindered because he's made 867 children this way, so the next one will be like it. God doesn't fall prey to the "its just the way it is". instead, he loves and creates because it's what he does. not in the "i don't want to give you a nose, so i won't" kind of way, but more like when a little child paints a picture and i suddenly have blonde hair instead of red, because that's what the kid wants to give me. it's how s/he sees me. it's like an unhindered view of true beauty. that's what God has.
man, i wish i had an artistic spirit.
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